In Part 1 you discovered the top success tool that prevents affairs and promotes recovery. Now you’ll get your step-by-step blueprint to do an affair repair of your marriage and make it better than ever, in highlights of my radio discussion with Dr. Doug Welpton. He’s an acclaimed, Ivy-league trained psychiatrist and family therapist who has helped thousands of couples overcome conflicts over sex, money, love and infidelity.
Let’s say your spouse has found out that you’ve strayed, and you’ve brought enormous pain and suffering into your marriage. What is the step-by-step blueprint that rebuilds your marriage so it’s stronger than ever?
“When your partner confronts you about having an affair, the temptation is to deny, defend yourself or place blame elsewhere. None of that helps,” Dr. Doug said. “The thing to do is to be able to listen to you partner and let them know you hear them. I recommend using the Harville Hendrix technique of mirroring back what your partner is telling you by calmly repeating or paraphrasing their words to make sure you truly understand them. This tells your partner that you know the pain you’ve caused. Anything that deflects this will keep your partner hurting more and feeling less connection with you.”
Will you give us an example of what mirroring sounds like?
“By saying, ‘Let me see if I hear what you’re saying. Are you saying…?’ Then you paraphrase what they just told you. Then tell them you understand their anger or hurt or rage that has built up. Just by hearing them, you help them diffuse the pain and start the healing process,” Dr. Welpton said.
After you have mirrored your partner’s words and feelings, what is the next step in the healing process?
“Be accountable for what you’ve done by admitting it, taking full responsibility for it and validating what they’re feeling about it as if it makes sense.” Dr. Welpton warned, “It doesn’t help if you belittle or minimize your partner’s feelings. You want them to know you understand what they’re going through because of what you’ve done.”
Once your partner knows that you hear them and understand their feelings, what is your next step?
“You make amends, which is a two-part process. You apologize for what you’ve done and commit that you won’t do it again,” he said.
It’s important to back up your commitment with consistent actions to rebuild trust, so your partner can believe in you again. Is this where forgiveness fits into this process?
“Having made amends and made a commitment to change your ways, the most useful thing both partners can do is learn to forgive each other. Most people think you’re doing your partner a favor when you forgive them, but the opposite is true.” Dr. Welpton illustrated the point, “Non-forgiveness is like drinking poison, thinking it’s going to hurt your partner, yet it only hurts you. Your resentment, anger and bitterness is hard on your nerves and your whole body. When you forgive you cut the chord that keeps you chained to the other person, so you’re really doing it for yourself. Your body and emotions will thank you.”
And everyone in your life will thank you, because you’re anger will dissolve like snow. You’ll be able to feel joy again as you start fresh in your life and your marriage.
What happens if you use this process to repair your marriage, but your partner wants a revenge affair? Discover how to deal with your partner’s “Me, too” attitude in Part 3.
You can contact Dr. Doug Welpton and claim his free ebook that helps you talk about difficult subjects at http://www.talk2myheart.com
And I’d like to give you all the success tools you need to affair proof your marriage, revive passion and intimacy and build even better relationships with your children, co-workers and companions in life. If you’re single, I’ll help you recruit your perfect match and create a red-hot relationship with lasting love. Schedule a FREE strategy call with me to find out how I can help you at ScheduleMyFreeSession.com
Love deeply and live your dreams now,