Enjoy a Guest Post By Nadja Feulner
Every woman does it. It’s so easy, so pleasant, so much more comfortable. It feels so good. And yet so painful when we don’t get it. The love, the approval and the support we so much long for.
What I am talking about is how we so easily give in to the sweet temptation of co-dependency (Which is, in my understanding, the belief that we need somebody or something to be in or act in a certain way for us to be happy). She is like the snake in the garden of Eden, luring Eve to bite into the lustrous apple of desire. She whispers in our ears: “Come, give in to it’s sweetness, you know you can have it all.”
And yes, brave heroine, you can have it all, but not in the way she wants us to believe. Abundance comes in many forms, and it is only when we fixate ourselves to a certain idea of how, or through whom (read: which special man), we are to receive it that we can get stuck and unhappy.
In relationships, we almost always expect our partners to be everything for us: our deepest lover, our best friend, our financial advisor, the father of our children, our therapist, our confidante. We claim them for ourselves because we think that we desperately need what they can give us.
Over time, we got so used to the other person giving us love, strength, support, listening, attention and appreciation, that we have stopped long ago to nurture and listen to ourselves. Instead of listening to our voice within, we expect our partner to always be there for us, to listen to us and to give us all the love and approval we want. Instead of nurturing our own strength, we rather lean against our men for support.
This goes fine as long as he is there to be that for us. But what happens if, for some reason, he chooses to not give us what we want one day? Maybe he feels weak himself, and cannot give you his strength. Maybe he wants to be with another woman and leaves us to be with her. Our world crumbles and we are left powerless.
We are left in a place of dependency where we give away our own power to someone else. We become needy for their love, support and presence and feel utterly hurt and deprived if they, even just for a moment, stop giving us what we need.
Sadly, there is no reliable constancy of flow from other people. We have to start taking responsibility for our own needs and desires. We need to be constantly vigilant and keep checking in with ourselves. “What am I feeling right now? What do I need/long for in this moment? What would taking really good care of myself look like right now?”
There is a tiny gap between when we feel a need for something, manifested as an inner craving or desire, and the second when we reach out to get that need met from our partner. Often, we are so unaware that we immediately jump from the need to the strategy without even thinking about what we are doing. The problem arises when our partner steps out of the co-dependency and stops the supply of love and support.
Let me give you an example to illustrate this. Last month, my partner decided to experiment with celibacy for a few weeks. To me, this news was horrible, since I just love to be close to him on a consistent basis. But I wanted to respect and support his decision, even though it was not very easy. He loves being cuddly and close too, so he needed to be as strict with himself as possible so he wouldn’t give in to the temptation. Hence he didn’t want to be close to be more than a quick hug.
After a couple of days, I was raging. My inner five-year old was in desperate need of love and care. I wanted his attention so badly that I became very agitated when he didn’t give it to me for weeks on end. Eventually, I had enough of suffering through this. I decided that there must be another way. And of course, there always is. No prayers go unanswered in the universe.
On a higher level, I knew I had chosen this situation to learn something. So I prayed for guidance, and the answer came in the form of a friend, who offered to practice inquiry with me. Together, we explored what love really is. With his supporting presence, I could allow myself to feel the longing for a deeper love inside my own heart.
The more we felt into the longing, the more I connected with the love that was already present in and around me. It had always been there, but I couldn’t feel it up until now because I was so busy trying to get it from my partner! I relaxed into a state of deep resting as love, and in that moment, I didn’t need anything from him anymore.
Suddenly, everything was perfectly okay. His celibacy was okay, my demanding inner little girl was okay, the tension between us was okay. Everything just stood still for a moment. I asked him to come upstairs and join me. As we were silently lying on the floor together, watching the snowflakes falling slowly to the ground outside our window, this deep loving presence also penetrated his heart.
In that moment, I felt such a deep sense of love and togetherness with him that I had never felt as long as I had been in my mind, in my hidden agendas, always wanting something from him. It was such a healing experience and a wonderful imprint on our hearts on what love really is about. No clenching, no demanding or expectations, just being still together, silently watching, feeling a deeper sense of connection than ever before.
So whenever you find yourself in a similar situation again, let the pain of not getting what you want from your partner be an alarm-bell for you. Let it wake you up and remind you that you have lost contact with your own divinity. It truly is a blessing in disguise. Received wisely, it can help you to let go of old patterns of co-dependency.
For that to happen, awareness is key. First, we need to slow down so we can notice what is really going on. If we rush trough life, we are on auto-pilot most of the time. For lasting change to happen, we need to break that pattern. It all begins with awareness. We slow down and we notice what is happening.
“Ah, now I am trying to get my partner’s attention again. I wonder what’s behind that? What do I really need right now? Oh, I feel a bit disconnected from myself. I long for love and intimacy (with myself).” Then just stay with that longing. Breath deeply and just allow yourself to feel this. Where is it in your body? Relax into whatever sensations may arise.
No matter how unpleasant this experience is, your body and the present moment are the gateway into your true self. That place in yourself where you are everything you have been longing for. Once you start to rest there on a consistent basis, you will transition more and more in your power, feeling whole, free and independent. You will no longer need your partner to give you what you need, but you will want to share your own abundance with him. Out of love and freedom. Because you care.
This is true intimate communion-to meet and play together from a place of fullness of heart and body. No mind, no need, no dependency. You are whole in yourself, because you know deep inside that you are everything you have ever needed and wished for. You are standing strong in yourself, taking full responsibility for your own happiness. If your man wants to be there for you, great, receive him with open arms. If he chooses not to, great, receive that with an open heart too, knowing that whatever manifestation life may take in this very moment, it is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow into deeper parts of yourself where you will find a love that never ever leaves.
© Nadja Feulner 2014. Would you like to use this article in your eZine or on your website? You may, as long as you commit to not editing the article in any way and include this complete blurb with it: Nadja Feulner, Raw Devotion, publishes the monthly eZine Alive as Love. If you feel ready to step into your feminine heart and power, be truly happy and create a relationship and life that you desire, get your FREE inspiration over at http://www.raw-devotion.com