Contrary to popular wisdom, it’s smart to keep score in your relationship when you rack up Frequent Foreplay Miles on your journey to greater intimacy, passion and love.
Couples are meant to enjoy a red-hot relationship with lasting love. If conflicts are stealing the fun from your interactions, you can use conflict creatively with success tools you get in highlights of my radio interview with Shela Dean. She’s an estate and family attorney turned relationship happiness coach who wrote the book, Frequent Foreplay Miles: Your Ticket To Total Intimacy.
Hadley Finch: How do couples deal with conflicts and bring back the fun by racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles?
Shela Dean: Think of everything you do as foreplay, 24/7. Smart couples do things for your sweetheart that earn you frequent foreplay miles every day. Breakfast in bed earns 20. Leaving dirty clothes on the floor deducts 20.
Hadley Finch: So first you create a scoring system for positive and negative behaviors each day?
Shela Dean: I’d start the process by creating a Generosity Generator like this:
Recreate your generous state of mind when you started dating.
Recall why you married this person and what made you feel good about being together.
Write this down so you focus on positives in your partner.
Hadley Finch: What you focus on grows, so focusing on and complimenting positive qualities promotes more of them and keeps a relationship on the happiness track. Whereas, criticizing negative behaviors only causes more negative behavior.
Shela Dean: Studies show that it takes 5 positive acts to overcome one negative feeling or action. Criticism only drives your partner further away. So it’s good to communicate in a benign way.
Hadley Finch: How do couples communicate and keep track of their Frequent Foreplay Miles?
Shela Dean: Each day you will keep a written Foreplay Tracker to identify things that are working great and things you need to work on to improve your interactions. Here’s how it works:
At the end of each day, write down what caused you to feel something, positive or negative.
Give bonus or penalty points to your partner.
Add up your Frequent Foreplay Miles.
Give each other daily feedback.
How do you give the right feedback that resolves conflicts and improves interactions?
Ask yourself 4 simple questions that you’ll discover in Part 2 of our series.
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