There’s scientific evidence why love is much more than a feeling and feel-good brain chemicals that can fade. Love is an action word. How do you build a loving relationship from the very start of your marriage?
Use the exciting love toolkit you get from me and two other top experts in highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with neurosurgeon, Dr. Charles E. Rawling who wrote It Really Is That Complicated and R. Milton Quibner, author of the sexual satire, How High Should I Jump?
Hadley: Earlier we discussed the brain chemistry of love, which explains why love is much more than a feeling. It’s an action word. It’s behaving in loving ways and building great communication, chemistry, kindness. What advice do you have to help newlyweds create an enchanting relationship from the very start of their marriage?
Milt: This process must be cemented on the marriage night and every night thereafter. It’s called honesty. It’s called learning to be yourself.
It’s hardest perhaps for the modern guy, who’s got mixed signals about what he’s supposed to be. He’s got all these rules and thoughts about how he’s supposed to comport himself. The whole secret to developing and keeping relationship together is to learn honesty, sharing, being vulnerable, being who you really are. It’s so hard to do.
The only way a marriage can develop and last is if each person is honest.
Hadley: I agree, but let me clarify. There are different kinds of honesty. I endorse kind-hearted honesty. It’s not a license to be brutal and say cruel things.
Whenever you say and express your honesty, you say it in a way you know how it will affect your partner.
That’s a full circle of communication. It’s not blurting. It’s expressing your truth to your partner in a way that keeps them open to expressing their own truth.
Milt: I agree completely. Blurting your thoughts doesn’t have anything to do with honesty. Honesty places you in the present moment, observing yourself with clarity. It’s not a confessional. It’s facing the here and now and seeing with the light on.
In my book, you get tips on flipping over your ego. When you’re selling yourself at the beginning of a relationship, you’re not very honest.
Hadley: You can be. No blanket statements. In marketing yourself, you present your best self. You get more of what you focus on, so focus on your strengths. Present your best you and bring out the best in your partner, too.
Charles I think what Milt and I said is in sync with your book.
Charles: Yes. You’ve covered honesty and communication. And you need respect and having the other person’s back in a relationship. Like Milt said, you have to be in the present moment. And know yourself. And curtail the crap that comes out of your mouth in guise of being honest.
Actually, it’s being selfish and having a poor self image, spewing negativity in name of being honest. So it all boils down to honesty, communication, respect, having your partners back, and knowing yourself.
Hadley: That’s good advice for couples, and for dating singles. If you meet someone who’s open to developing a relationship with honesty, with loving care and respect, and you continue to deepen your bond every day if it leads to marriage.
Milt, what is the ultimate secret to your happy 25 year marriage?
Milt: My ultimate secret is patience. I don’t respond right away. I’ve learned to monitor my reactions better. I’m focused on timing. You can say that’s not very honest, but I don’t see it that way.
I believe my greatest effort is in creating a space where we can understand each other, learning to take the focus off my immediate need and looking around me.
The importance of pausing. Finding the larger point. Pull back. Pause. Let reactions pass. Once that wave passes, you’ll know what to say and do.
I’ve worked on that for 25 years with my wife. It’s worked for me. My brother’s now doing this and learning about his wife for the first time. He’s learning to listen, to hear. He said he actually likes his wife now.
Hadley: That’s lovely. Charles do you have a final tip to build an enchanting relationship?
Charles: Communication. Communication. Communication. Know yourself. Have no fears. Trust yourself, and be able to express yourself to your partner.
Hadley: I’ve read your books. I endorse them, with a warning that readers may get upset, because they bring up many hot-button issues.
Get all the happy, sexy love you desire,