You discovered how to use magical phrases to turn criticism into loving kindness and repair relationship issues fast earlier in our series. Now find out how to get the red-hot sex life you deserve in highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Nancy Dreyfus.
Nancy is a veteran couples therapist who wrote the book and relationship repair flashcards titled, Talk To Me Like I’m Someone You Love.
Hadley: Every couple deserves to get the happiness and longevity benefits of sexual healing. How? By having sex leading to orgasm at least twice a week in a committed relationship for at least three years. In your flashcard system, how do you help couples make love more often?
Nancy: I help couples make love more often and improve the quality of making love. Many people say the purpose of sex is pleasure and connection. The truth is most people bring a lot of worry to bed. They’re looking at my body. I look chubby today. Am I pleasing them? Am I doing this for the right reasons?
I want people to do the best foreplay before foreplay, which is to connect heart to heart. My making love flashcards are not graphic, but attuned to the heart:
* I want to make love, but only if you’re liking me.
I’d love it if we could go slow.
When you give me the message that you think I’m just a guy looking to get laid,
it feels like you don’t see me.
The last card is for men to give women who think men just want to get laid. Some women don’t appreciate for most men sex is the way to open their hearts. Just because he’s aroused, doesn’t mean he’s objectifying you. A wounded woman may feel objectified during sex. He can be sexually turned on and be valuing you.
Hadley: Men and women see sex differently. Women often need to feel open and appreciated emotionally before having sex. Men often need to have sex to feel emotionally open and close. How do you bridge that gap?
Nancy: When it comes to sex, women need a slow startup. When it comes to communication, men need a slow startup. Couples researcher, John Gottman, says there are 3 qualities in a happy relationship:
A woman feels she can influence the man
A man can hear her negative emotion without getting unduly defensive
She needs a slow start in sex, and he needs a slow start in communication
Let’s say a woman starts a conversation with a man by giving criticism, “You did it again. How long do I have to put up with this?” It’s done. He will not recover from that interaction.
Women don’t want a man jumping them to have sex. Men don’t want a woman jumping them to have a conversation.
Hadley: You offer magical conversation advice in the title of your book, Talk To Me Like I’m Someone You Love.” There’s great love power in that advice for men and women.
Nancy: If a woman wants a slow start in communication with a man, she can show him flashcard #10 which says, “There’s something really important I’d like to say to you. I’d like you to listen without reacting for 5 minutes.”
It tells your partner I’m not going to attack you. I just want you to listen. There’s another card which says, “All I want is for you to listen to me with an open heart.”
Who can reject that request? That’s what we all want.
Hadley: The magic messages you’ve chosen address the common concerns men and women have in a relationship. Let’s say you want to use flashcards to repair a relationship but your partner isn’t interested. What do you do?
Nancy: I would not debate the value of the flashcards. Just let it be. When an upset occurs, just go and use a flashcard. There aren’t many men who would object to seeing your card that says, “I feel like a total and complete idiot.” Or “I think I’m supposed to know how to do this, but honestly I have no idea.”
These cards show your vulnerability and make your partner melt.
Hadley: It makes you vulnerable to admit that you’re not the know-it-all. You’re discovering how to get over love hurdles the best way you can, like everybody else. How do you use flashcards to repair relationships with children, co-workers or departed loved ones?
Get the answers in Part 6 highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Nancy Dreyfus.
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