America has the highest divorce rate in the world. Millions of divorcing couples know how divorce hurts the person who left the marriage and the person left behind. Divorcing couples can lower the financial, physical and emotional cost of divorce by avoiding common, costly mistakes which you discover in Part 1 highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with two successful divorcees.
Carolyn Ellis, My Divorce Resource Kit (buy at a 30% discount using code: LOVE) and Debbie S. Gibson Make Your Divorce Cost You Less join me in explaining how to see a devastating divorce as the doorway to a great new life.
Hadley: When my happy 20-year marriage ended tragically, I was slammed to my knees in pain. My heart felt like a pressure cooker ready to blow. My cardiologist said, “You can die from a broken heart.” So I had to heal heartbreak fast to save my life.
Carolyn and Debbie, let’s share success secrets we each learned during the divorcing process to survive divorce heartbreak and thrive, to use divorce challenges as a catalyst for a great new life.
Carolyn: My jaw dropped open when you said your cardiologist warned that you can die of heartbreak. Many people think you just suffer through the pain of it or be angry. When my 20-year marriage ended, my biggest challenge was feeling overwhelmed. I had to raise three children under age nine. I often heard the voice of my inner critic, like a drill sergeant that kept saying I made mistakes, that I should figure this out and get over this quicker.
The missing ingredient that helped me turn the situation around was finding love and compassion for myself. It took the divorce experience to realize how hard I was on myself. I gave myself permission to step out of old beliefs and take new risks like starting a new business I never imagined before. I gave myself pats on back and assured myself I would be okay.
Hadley: People going through divorce often feel guilty for the breakup. We need to send our inner critic on permanent vacation so we can heal ourselves and our relationship with a former partner to be friendly co-parents to our children.
Debbie, tell us how you learned to save your cash and your sanity during divorce.
Debbie: I was only married 6 years and waited to marry the perfect person whom I thought I’d never divorce. When divorce hit, I was totally unprepared to handle the financial and emotional costs.
Hadley: It’s like being hit with a tidal wave of pain and complexities you couldn’t even imagine before. How did you handle it, Debbie?
Debbie: I ran to the bookstore and bought dozens of books to become informed and make better decisions in the divorcing process. This was my first divorce and my husband’s third divorce. I had a lot to learn to catch up with him.
Hadley: That’s great advice to get better informed and make better decisions. How do we protect our children against common divorce mistakes?
Carolyn: Many divorcing couples make the mistake of using their children as pawns, carrying hurtful messages between parents. This hurts your children. You avoid this by looking at the big picture of your life and the legacy you want to leave your children. How do you want to be remembered for things you say and do during divorce?
Hadley: I learned in my divorce counseling that children identify half with each parent. If you say something negative to your child about one parent, you literally hurt that half of your child. So you must not do this.
You must vent elsewhere and be vigilant against making negative comments about your ex to your children. That’s true even ten or more years after divorce, when you still may fight the urge to tell your children something bad about their other parent. Don’t do it, or you hurt your children even when they’re grown up.
How can divorcing couples lower the financial cost of divorce?
Get the answers in Part 2 highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with successful divorcees Carolyn Ellis and Debbie S. Gibson. Or listen to the whole conversation now by clicking here.
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