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Why We Love Hurtful People-Warning Signs Of Unhealthy Matches

Previously, you discovered why emotional givers and takers are irresistibly drawn to each other like human magnets. And why it requires some type of therapy to break hurtful attraction patterns, which were formed in childhood.
Now get warning signs of dysfunctional personality traits in a romantic partner in highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Ross Rosenberg.

He’s a veteran psychotherapist-author of The Human Magnet Syndrome – Why We Love People Who Hurt Us.  

Hadley:  You wrote that soulmates can become cellmates when you find dysfunctional personality traits that cause conflict, chaos and misery.  How do you define “dysfunctional”?

Ross:  My definition of “dysfunctional” is having internal problems and not using internal or external resources to solve them.  My definition of “healthy” is having internal problems, but using internal and external resources to solve them.

Hadley:  I love those definitions.  They empower us to solve problems or avoid them by using love tools like you get here.

Ross:  We all have problems and challenges that don’t define our psychological health.  All people are attracted to their emotional opposite.  So a narcissist, who’s completely focused on their own needs, will be attracted to a codependent, who’s completely focused on the needs of others.

Hadley:  What are some warning signs of these personality traits to look for in someone you’re dating or even married to?

Ross:  Some tell-tale signs of narcissist or emotional manipulator:  Does a person monopolize conversations? Do they take a topic and turn it back to them?  Do they always talk more than you?  Do they make their own conversations or feelings more important than yours?  Do they expect special treatment?

Hadley:   What are the red flags of a codependent?

Ross:  A codependent will ask you to make all the decisions.  They will not have strongly articulated opinions about what they like or what they want, because they are so strongly connected to others needs over their own.  They tend to talk in derogatory terms about themselves.  They apologize all the time.  They can’t answer questions about where they want to go or what they want to do.  Their insecurities shine through.

So the red flags for a codependent are someone who’s insecure, who’s not comfortable in their own skin.   They’re more motivated to do or say what you want.  These are signs of a codependent, who will not be an equal partner to you in a healthy relationship.

Hadley: What if you’re in a new relationship or in a new marriage and you realize you’re with someone who has some of these hurtful personality traits.  What love tools can we use to improve your interactions, like setting boundaries?

Ross:  I recommend setting boundaries. If you’re in a relationship with an emotional manipulator or narcissist or someone whose self orientation is geared to their own needs over yours, you must set boundaries by telling them what you need and do not back down. 

Emotional manipulators will argue that their needs are more important than yours.
It’s good to draw the line in the sand. If someone is harmful toward you, and they do not accept your boundaries, it’s good to walk away. 

If you don’t walk away, a codependent feels powerless to walk away, powerless to set boundaries or explain what they need in a relationship with a narcissistic partner.

If you’re dating a codependent who’s unhealthy, the boundary would be to tell them you want to know what they think and feel.  Let them know you feel uncomfortable when they put themselves down. Tell them you want them to be a true partner in making decisions.  So these are boundaries you set with someone who’s codependent.

Hadley:  Where do emotionally healthy people fit in the 11-point attraction scale?  How do dating singles attract a healthy, happy love match?

Get the answers in the next highlights of my radio conversation with Ross Rosenberg for A Lasting Love. 

Get all the happy, sexy love you desire,

Hadley Finch

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About Hadley Finch

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