Dating Question For Hadley:
I’m a divorced man in my 40s, easy on the eyes, a son in college, financially responsible, no baggage. I’ve forgiven my ex wife for leaving me 5 years ago to marry her boss.
I thought I’d met my new wife two months ago. Our first meeting lasted four hours, filled with laughter, stories and chemistry. We became lovers on our third date, a week after we met.
After two months of unbelievably great sex, I told her I loved her. She turned away without saying a word. “See Ya Soon,” she said as she left my house that night, but she hasn’t returned my calls in a week. I just sent her two texts, saying I’m hurt and confused, so she owes me an explanation. Still no reply.
I want to hang out near her house so I can catch her coming home and ask why she disappeared after I said I loved her. Isn’t that what women want?
Nothing triggers painful emotions like disappointment in love. You’d assumed your magical connection was mutual, so you took an emotional risk and expressed your love for her. Then she disappeared into the dating ozone without giving you the reason for leaving, which you feel you deserve.
Stop and look at the facts. It’s clear she shut the emotional door. If you persist in pursuing her, or you start hanging out near her house, then you become a stalker. You give her reasons to seek legal protection from you. What’s attractive about that? Nothing.
How do you beat your obsessive need to get her explanation, before it beats you?
Understand that her reason for disappearing may have nothing to do with you. Having great sex doesn’t lead you to great love unless both of you want it to.
It sounds like you didn’t discuss your reasons for having sex beforehand, so you have no clue if you each wanted the same things from your sexual connection. It appears you didn’t.
You may want to have sex that leads to lasting love. You may assume that’s what women want. Yet that assumption is a risky generalization.
What if your lover only wants a casual fling? What if she’s secretly seeing you while involved with someone else?
There are dozens of reasons dating singles dive into sex before getting to know each other on deeper levels. This often leads to dating disappointments and confusion that you’re experiencing now.
How do you avoid that pain in the future?
* Begin to build emotional intimacy before you add sex to the mix.
* Find out in early dating conversations if your dating goals are aligned or at odds with your date’s goals.
* Sort through mismatches.
* Choose to date someone on your love wavelength, someone who wants the same things you want in a dating relationship.
Will you avoid painful disappointments, if you follow this dating plan from now on?
Even if you enjoy dating someone and you progress according to this dating plan, you still may reach a dating crossroads where one person decides to take a different path toward true love. And that’s OK.
Some see this as a rejection. A healthier view is to see it as a sorting process, which frees you to meet a more compatible match and feel a mutual click once your desires and dreams align to create a foundation for true love.
What if you can’t help feeling hurt, confused, angry because someone you care about left you behind?
Work through hurtful thoughts and feelings resulting from dating disappointments by taking three steps:
Step 1. Observe how your body is holding onto dating stress, sadness, fear, pain.
Do you clench your jaw? Feel empty in your gut? Does your heart race? Does your throat tighten to hold down emotion?
Pay attention to physical symptoms you experience, whenever you don’t get what you want from a person you desire.
Step 2. Give yourself time to work through these stress symptoms before you contact the person who triggered them.
No persistent calling, texting, stalking someone, while you’re stressed, confused, angry, afraid, hurting.
No disappearing or withdrawing when a date says or does something to make you want to run.
No clinging to feelings or thoughts of being rejected, betrayed or abandoned.
What do you do instead?
* Imagine those hurtful thoughts and feelings are dark clouds, floating through a blue sky.
* Know that you are the blue sky. Let those dark clouds pass by.
* Use your breath to de-stress.
* Exhale each hurtful thought and feeling.
* Inhale all the love that’s present.
* Repeat this breathing exercise until you feel able to deal with disappointment in positive, productive ways.
* Trust that you are here to love and be loved, truly, deeply, passionately.
* Trust that the great love you are seeking is seeking you.
* Trust that you can do new things to attract the great love you seek, and stop doing things that don’t.
Step 3. Choose new thoughts and actions that make your dreams of love come true.
Most people don’t realize you can choose your thoughts and actions to change your results. How does that work?
What you focus on expands, according to universal law.
Focus on what you don’t want to get more of it.
Focus exclusively on what you do want to get more of it.
Choose the latter, because it leads you to love.
How do you control your focus to work through dating disappointments?
* Discover the love lessons from a fizzled relationship.
* Decide what worked, and keep doing more of it in your next relationship.
* Decide what didn’t work, and stop doing it.
* Stop dating people you know will hurt you, possibly the same way your childhood caregivers did.
* Start dating people and making choices that support your best interests and well being at all times.
* Keep doing things that make you feel loved and lovable, so you attract even more love, like an irresistible love magnet.
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