Is over-the-top affection in a new romance true love or
Love bombing — a precursor to emotional abuse?
Discover the signs and red flags of Love Bombing written
By Melinda Wenner Moyer courtesy of NYTimes.com
When Sue Knudtson was in her late teens, an
acquaintance gave her his phone number, changing
the course of her life.
The two started dating. He praised her incessantly,
she said, telling her she was perfect — the woman
he’d been waiting for his whole life. He bought
her flowers and took her out on lavish dates. He
texted her throughout the day to check on her.
Ms. Knudtson, 35, who lives in Sioux Falls, S.D.,
did not know it at the time, but her new boyfriend
was exhibiting a behavior known as “love
bombing.” Although it can be difficult to
distinguish from healthy forms of intense early
courtship, love bombing is a pattern of behavior
that helps people capture the hearts of their love
interests only to later control them.
Love bombing is a form of “idealization and
seduction that becomes the prelude to what will be
emotional manipulation and control,” said Ramani
Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and professor
emerita at California State University, Los
Angeles.
In fact, over time, Ms. Knudtson said, the dynamic
started to shift in her relationship. Her boyfriend
began monitoring her texts and calls, she said. He
challenged her when she talked to other friends. He
made her feel as if she had to do what he said or
she’d lose him and end up alone.
Too Much, Too Soon
The term “love bombing” dates back to the
1970s, when the tactic was used by the Unification
Church, a South Korean religious movement that
critics and former members have described as a
cult. Church members would often shower potential
recruits with warmth and praise to get them to
join.
Today, the phrase is commonly used to describe
over-the-top affection and attention at the
beginning of a romantic relationship. In casual
parlance, daters may talk about love bombing as
merely an “ick” — coming on too strong — or
as a preamble to ghosting. But clinicians say that
it can be a dangerous red flag.
There are no clear statistics on how closely love
bombing is linked to abuse, said Chitra Raghavan, a
psychologist at the John Jay College of Criminal
Justice who studies power dynamics in intimate
partner abuse. However, Dr. Raghavan said,
“I’ve noticed it in almost every domestic
violence case I’ve had, that there was a period
of love bombing.”
Love bombing often takes the form of excessive
compliments, implying that the love bomber is the
only person who can see how wonderful the other
person is, Dr. Raghavan said.
The person might say something like, “‘You are
really incredible, and no one has seen how
incredible you are, but I am seeing it,’” Dr.
Raghavan said. “It suggests a uniqueness that has
not been seen by anybody else but the love
bomber.”
These compliments often play to recipients’
deepest vulnerabilities. If people worry they
aren’t attractive, a love bomber might tell them
how beautiful they are. If they feel they aren’t
smart enough, the compliments may flatter their
intelligence.
A love bomber also tends to contact a new partner
incessantly. “They want to see you every day,
they show up at work, they call, they text, they
send you jokes,” Dr. Raghavan said.
Love bombers may also imply that they are looking
for long-term commitment. They might say, “‘I
can already see the house we’re going to live
in,’” Dr. Durvasula, the clinical psychologist,
said. “‘What should we name our kids?’”
When the Spell Breaks
Love bombers’ early and intense attention serves
to overwhelm people, so that they don’t think to
question why things are moving so fast or how they
actually feel, Dr. Raghavan explained. It lures
people in “before they can say, ‘Wait, wait
this doesn’t seem right,’” she said.
Not everyone who is a love bomber necessarily
becomes abusive, and researchers are not sure
whether love bombers engage in these behaviors with
the clear intent of trapping and, later, abusing
their partners. “This is a million-dollar
question,” Dr. Durvasula said. It’s really
difficult, she said, to tease out motivation and
intent.
Complicating things further, abusers don’t
usually think of themselves as abusers, Dr.
Raghavan added. They think of themselves primarily
as people “whom the world doesn’t
understand,” Dr. Raghavan said.
Love bombers often, but not always, have narcissist
traits, said Amy Brunell, a psychologist at Ohio
State University, which can include displaying
behaviors that indicate entitlement.
They often test the other person’s commitment —
for example, they may stop texting or calling for a
few days, hoping to provoke panic and elicit
declarations of affection, Dr. Brunell said. They
might also act in a mean way and then, later,
apologize profusely.
The love bomber might act as if they are directly
threatened by the other person’s friendships or
hobbies, as Ms. Knudtson described. Her boyfriend,
she said, would complain when she talked to other
friends, and act jealous.
“There’s a triangulation — you choose me or
you choose them,” Dr. Durvasula said. If the
person refuses to step back from friendships or
interests, she added, “the pushback is met with
anger.”
Trust Your Unease
It can be difficult to recognize love bombing when
it is happening, Dr. Durvasula said.
“This is the big one of the challenges: ‘Am I
being love bombed, or is this just somebody who’s
really interested in me?’” she said.
The distinction can be especially difficult because
of what we are often taught to expect from
relationships, Dr. Durvasula said. Early courtship
is supposed to be intense. Love bombing also
“really plays on our human need for attachment,
our human need for love, our human desire to be
connected to other people,” she said.
Because love bombing is difficult to detect, people
should not be hard on themselves if they don’t
recognize it when it happens, Dr. Durvasula said.
Still, she advised, be wary of partners who resent
your boundaries, personal interests or friendships
or who pressure you to prove your loyalty or
commitment.
Ending a relationship with a love bomber can be
difficult, as love bombers often retaliate, Dr.
Durvasula said. There may be angry texts,
name-calling and even stalking. To escape her
boyfriend’s pursuit of her, Ms. Knudtson said,
she eventually had to move to another state.
If there is a concern about safety, experts said,
the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help.
Ultimately, it’s important to trust your gut
early on in relationships, Dr. Brunell said.
“If it feels like it’s too much,” she added,
“it probably is.”
Use this news to heed the red flags of angry love bombers,
and select a partner who can love truly, creating happy, sexy love that lasts.
Hadley Finch
And parents manage anger with love using the quantum tools you get in
Anger Management For Parents by Hadley Finch.
Transform anger and fear into love in happy relationships with Hadley as your guide.
