Happy Sexy Love How to bulletproof relationships with happy, sexy love
Hadley Finch Intro: Therapists reveal 8 things to avoid
saying to your beloved, to support happy, sexy love
that lasts, courtesy of a guest post
By Jancee Dunn
Dec. 1, 2023
A friend of mine, a couples counselor, stopped by
to see me after a long week. She sank into my
couch, closed her eyes and said: “You know what
phrase I wish I could ban couples from saying?
‘I never said that.’”
It was a sentence, my friend told me, that she
heard almost every week. And once someone said it,
the whole session would usually devolve into an
argument about what the person did or did not say.
This made me wonder about other phrases therapists
wished couples would stop saying during conflicts.
Here are their candidates, why we should avoid
them and what to say instead.
Generalizations
“You always …” and “You never …” These
terms are often exaggerations, and they don’t
acknowledge any efforts your partner is trying to
make, said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist who
works with individuals and couples in Washington,
D.C.
And your partner might get defensive, he added:
“So you’re not even having a problem-solving
conversation anymore. You’re just going into
full-blown argument mode.”
Instead of delving into the past, make an effort
to stay in the present. “When you go back into
history, it turns the conversation into a
different thing,” Gaines said. Focus on the
problem at hand, he added. (You might say, I’m
noticing that you’re not helping to pick up
after the kids; here’s why it’s bothering me.)
Deflections
“Yes, but …” Alexandra Solomon, a
psychologist at the Family Institute at
Northwestern University and the author of “Love
Every Day,” said she hears this phrase all the
time. One person will voice a concern, and the
other will agree — then add a caveat. (“You
were 10 minutes late,” one person might say. The
other might respond: “Yes, but you were late
last week.”)
Using the word “but” implies that “‘it was
kind of perfunctory for me to honor your concern,
but really, I don’t understand it or validate
it,’” Dr. Solomon said.
Instead of mounting a defense, she said, reflect
your partner’s words and feelings. Try saying
something like, “What I’m hearing from you is…
Comparisons
“You should be more like _____.” Comparing
your partner with someone else is “never, ever a
great strategy,” Gaines said.
“I see it a lot: ‘Well, Danny takes his wife
on a date three times a month,’” he continued.
“Danny is a different person. His partner is a
different person. You can only be who you are.”
Playing the comparison game can lead to jealousy,
Gaines said, and “breed a lot of issues with
self-image and self-confidence and self-esteem
within a relationship.”
“This was never an issue in my other
relationships.” This verbal bomb “really chips
away the trust and security that you have with
your partner,” said Wonbin Jung, a therapist in
Silicon Valley who specializes in treating
L.G.B.T.Q. couples. “The hidden message that I
hear as a therapist is, ‘The problem that we
have in this relationship is because of you.’”
Keep other people out of it, Gaines said, and
concentrate on talking about your own needs. This
can make you feel more vulnerable, but it’s much
more productive.
Dismissals
“You’re overreacting.” No one person is
“the actuary of emotional responses,” Dr.
Solomon said. One person does not get to determine
which reactions are appropriate, she said, adding
that this phrase is often used to bypass
accountability.
Instead of judging, said Dr. Solomon, you can say,
“‘OK, I’m listening. Tell me more. Help me
understand what you’re having a hard time
with.’”
“Calm down.” Urging your partner to take it
easy almost always has the opposite effect, Dr.
Jung said. “It’s like oil in a fire. So is,
‘You’re crazy.’”
If one partner is agitated, or both are, Dr. Jung
usually advises them to take a short break and
cool down.
Or, Dr. Jung said, you can ask your partner,
“What do you need right now?” (Maybe it’s to
be helped, heard or hugged.
“It’s not that big of a deal.” When you say
that one of your partner’s concerns is not
serious, it’s belittling and inaccurate, Gaines
said. “You can’t measure how something feels
to someone else,” he added. “You have no frame
of reference. You can’t make that call.”
Instead, Gaines said, respectfully acknowledge
that you have different perspectives. Then ask
your partner to help you understand why an issue
is important, and offer whatever support you can
give.
Gaines told me that his wife, Noémie, is neat and
organized, while he is not. Once, he said, he left
a crusty bowl of oatmeal in her freshly cleaned
sink; she jokingly accused him of “trying to
destroy” her.
My husband and I have a similar dynamic. After I
heard Noémie’s line, I used it on my husband
when he left a pungent pile of his cycling gear on
the floor.
“You always make me laugh,” he said. (That’s
the good kind of “you always.”)
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How will you use this news, to create a lasting love?
Hadley Finch
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