Many couples get divorced over infidelity, because they lack the love skills to repair a relationship and make it better than ever after an affair.
What love skills do you need to stop the heartbreak, anger and lies that come with infidelity?
Get the answers in highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Dr. Ishmael Major.
Dr. Ish is a board-certified psychiatrist and infidelity expert, who’s helped thousands of men and women find happiness in their relationships. He wrote the book, Little White Whys – A Woman’s Guide Through The Lies Men Tell and Why.
Hadley: When you discover that your partner has had an affair, you can feel intense anger. How do you vent it, without ruining the possibility of a reconciliation?
Dr. Ish: That anger is a big issue. Your first question is, ‘Why are you angry? What exactly are you angry about?”
Let’s say a husband cheats. Cheating can mean different things to different people. What does it mean to you?
Are you angry because of the rejection? Because your partner doesn’t find you desirable? Are you disappointed because you never thought the affair would happen?
When you find out why you’re angry, you go back and retrace the steps to see how you got there. The anger is usually because you’re blaming the other person. But it takes two people to create a bad relationship. It’s not all about what your partner did. It’s only a symptom.
It’s like a cold virus. You may have a runny nose or a cough, but they’re just symptoms of the underlying disease process. So is an affair. That’s the last step or manifestation of a dysfunctional relationship. So you go back to examine how you got to that point.
A relationship is where you go to give, not to get. You give first and then you get. Ask yourself what needs weren’t being met to allow the affair to happen. Then you see what role you played in it, which goes a long way in dispelling anger and anxiety over betrayal.
Hadley: So you need self reflection on your role in areas things broke down and how you can help rebuild them to create a strong foundation for your relationship.
Dr. Ish: One of most infuriating things about being cheated on, is you realize you don’t know who this person is. You have no control over what they do. That’s true. But you absolutely have control over what you put into it. Taking control dispels your pain and anger.
Hadley: Your book, Little White Whys, helps women deal with men who lie to them. How do we detect lies or break a habit of lying?
Dr. Ish: I tell women the golden rule is to go with your gut and trust your amazing instinct. When you’re feeling confused or unsure or not 100 % positive about your footing, you’re feeling that for a reason. It’s either you don’t have all the truth yet, or someone is lying to you.
Women often ask me how you detect a lie. Nietche says that someone may tell a lie, but the grimace that accompanies it tells the truth. So I tell women you’ve got to pay attention. Everyone has tells when not being honest with you.
Hadley: The same is true for men, who also are lied to. Men also have an inner truth detector that you must learn to trust. If you feel something isn’t right, chances are it’s not. So you ask questions and read the behavior to see what you feel is the truth.
Dr. Ish: There are behavioral glitches that happen when people lie. Watch eye movements that reveals someone is lying, like people blinking longer or faster than normal.
Peoples eyes move up and to the left to access the creative part of the brain as they create a story for you on the spot. They raise their eyebrows. Their feet or hands fidget. Their breathing gets sporadic. The facial expression isn’t the same.
These are physical signs they feel discomfort when they aren’t being honest with you. When you know someone, you know when they get out of their comfort zone. You read their “tells” to see if they’re lying to you.
Hadley: What love skills help dating men and women choose a great love match and create an enchanting relationship?
Get the answers in highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Dr. Ish Major.
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