In the first two parts of our series, you gained the top success tools to prevent or recover from affairs and make your marriage better than ever. Now you’ll discover how to handle the unexpected fallout of marital infidelity, in highlights of my radio chat with Dr. Doug Welpton. He’s an acclaimed, Ivy league trained psychiatrist and family therapist who has helped thousands of couples overcome conflicts over sex, money, love and infidelity.
Let’s talk about an unexpected feeling that can arise in you after your partner goes off to have a passionate affair. Your partner may snap out of it and ask to come back to you. Then you resist because you want to have the same passionate experience with someone new before you take them back. Some call this a revenge affair. Whatever the motives, how do couples handle the “Me,Too” attitude which can sabotage your reunion?
“The talking can take care of it,” Dr. Doug said. “If you can understand that because of your affair your partner feels they’ve missed out on something. If you validate that they’ve been cheated and they want the right to do the same thing. If you don’t judge them for it but let them know you understand their feelings, it can be a healing way of connecting. If your partner goes off to have an affair, then you both have to go through the healing process if you want to repair your marriage.”
If your partner asks you for details about your sexual experiences in your affair, what is the healthiest way to answer them?
“I recommend that you do not reveal details. That is being ruthlessly honest in a way that engenders even more hurt and makes your partner feel like they’re being compared sexually.” Dr. Doug explained why these sexual details can ruin a marital reunion. “We think in images. The more visuals you get in your mind about what your partner was doing, the harder it is to let go of. So I encourage people not to go into details.”
As you react to your partner’s affair, you may feel a tidal wave of emotions like anger, jealousy and hurt that you don’t know how to handle. How can you deal with your strong emotions without making your partner run away from you?
“If you have intense emotions it is hard to stay calm as you discuss the situation with your spouse who has strayed. It’s better to allow that powerful emotion to come out when you’re with a good friend, a parent or counselor,” Dr. Doug said. Then he explained the danger in venting volatile emotions with your partner.
“When spouses are guilty and feeling defensive, it is hard for them to listen to your anger. It is a huge challenge for them to do the (affair repair) process–to admit their affair and be accountable, to paraphrase your feelings and apologize and commit to not continuing the affair. The huge emotion you feel needs to come out elsewhere, or in small enough doses, so you and your partner can deal with it.”
I also advise people to vent anger in a private journal, during exercise or in recording your angry outbursts and listening to how you sound in a rage. Then you can hear why your partner can’t deal with it. That’s why you need to talk calmly, if you want this affair repair process to succeed. Let’s talk about some positive reactions you can expect in your partner when you follow these steps to do an affair repair.
“When you take full responsibility for having an affair, your partner often steps up and takes responsibility for their part in this, too. Usually affairs have two sides to it. The failure in communication has been on both partner’s part.” Dr. Doug concluded, “It takes two of you to repair and reinvent your marriage after an affair.”
And Dr. Doug Welpton will give you a free ebook with strategies to handle tough relationship issues at http://talk2myheart.com
And I’d like to give you all the success tools you need to affair proof your marriage, revive passion and intimacy and build even better relationships with your children, co-workers and companions in life. If you’re single, I’d like to help you recruit your perfect match and create a red-hot relationship with lasting love. Find out how I can help you. Schedule a FREE strategy call with me at http://ScheduleMyFreeSession.com
Love deeply and live your dreams now,