Hadley Finch Intro: This dating advice came about during my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with BJ Gallagher, She’s a sought after sociologist and author of Why Don’t I Do What I Know Is Good For Me? and Being the Buddha At Work. If you know Ann Coulter, be sure to give her this post to help her find love.
Enjoy this guest post by BJ Gallagher–
I recently saw where Ann Coulter was complaining that she couldn’t attract a man, despite flipping her long blond hair and attempting to flirt. “She doesn’t get it,” I thought to myself as I considered her complaint. “She thinks that attracting a man is something you DO – like tossing your hair or cocking your head seductively. She doesn’t understand that it’s not what you’re doing that’s important – it’s who you’re being.”
Ann is not alone in her dilemma. Many single women complain: “there aren’t any good men” – without realizing that the source of the problem isn’t a shortage of terrific men – the problem is how these women show up in their day-to-day lives.
Romantic relationships are all about energy – yin and yang, alpha and beta, masculine and feminine – complementary polar opposites – whatever words you use. It doesn’t really matter who brings the yang energy to the relationship and who brings the yin energy, so long as you have a balance of both. Alpha men (take-charge leaders) do best in relationships to beta women … much like magnets are naturally attracted to their polar opposite. Beta men (gentle, sensitive types) do best in relationships with strong, alpha women … naturally drawn to energy that balances their own.
This is all fine and good, except that alpha women often don’t want sweet, gentle beta men – they want alpha men. So there’s the crux of the problem: with two alphas in a relationship, there’s no energy balance. The two alphas end up butting heads, or worse, the male strays when he finds a sweet, gentle woman who embodies the yin energy he craves in a partner. After all, if the alpha woman brings all her masculine energy to the relationship, what’s there left for the guy to do? As Gloria Steinem famously pointed out, “Some of us have become the men we wanted to marry.”
That’s Ann Coulter’s problem. She’s basically a guy with breasts. Her energy is “all alpha, all the time.” She swears like a sailor, indulges in raunchy locker room humor, and works hard to be respected as one of the guys in the political arena. She lives from her head, not from her heart. Ann’s alpha yang energy has served her well in her career, but it’s killing her love life. Because what Ann fails to understand is that high-powered men don’t want to have sex with “one of the guys.” They don’t want to kiss a potty mouth. They don’t want to date a masculine chick. They may respect her professionally, but they’ll never be attracted to her as a potential mate.
Is it possible to be an alpha female and have a happy, successful relationship or marriage to an alpha male? Yes, but it’s not common and it takes a lot of give and take by both partners to make their relationship work over the long haul. Bill and Hillary Clinton are a good example: a talented pair of alphas who have found a way to stay married while they both maintain high-powered careers. James Carville and Mary Matalin are another power couple who each bring their yang energy to their respective political careers. Former Congresswoman Jane Harman and her late husband, Harman Kardon CEO Sidney Harman, were another example of two tough cookies managing to make their make their marriage work without sacrificing their individual career success.
How do they do it? I don’t know them personally, but if they’re like other alpha couples I do know, one partner or the other shifts out of alpha mode when they’re alone together. Energy always seeks to balance itself – the yang needs a yin, and the yin needs a yang – so that one partner or the other shifts their energy mode at home.
If Ann Coulter really wants to attract a terrific man, she would do well to study other political women – both living and dead – to learn from them: Nancy Reagan, the late Pamela Harriman, Michelle Obama, Gabby Giffords, Queen Elizabeth, Jordan’s Queen Noor (nee Lisa Halaby), among others (my personal favorite – Aung San Suu Kyi). All of them beautiful, smart, sophisticated, politically influential – and wise in the ways of women. They didn’t flip their hair to attract men – they cultivated their natural feminine power.
Perhaps Jackie Kennedy Onassis explained it best: “There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in the bed.” Jackie was the quintessential yin woman who understood her natural, inherent, God-given feminine power. “I am a woman above everything else,” she said. Jackie knew that a woman who knows how to wield her natural, feminine, yin power can have any man – and any thing – she wants.
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