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Here’s how to identify, avoid it.
Hadley’s intro: Get coping strategies to deal
with gaslighters at holiday gatherings Courtesy of WashPost.com
Guest column by Robin Stern and Marc Brackett.
How can I enjoy the holidays with my family when
they often dismiss my feelings and even question
my memories?
Family gatherings are often filled with laughter,
love and a generous helping of comfort food. But,
as a former patient once experienced, sometimes
they may be tinged with something less savory:
Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is an insidious, sometimes covert,
form of emotional abuse. Repeated over time, it
can lead someone to question their perceptions,
memories and even their reality.
Familial gaslighting can be especially painful.
Why would the people who love you try to undermine
your confidence or your character? The underlying
reasons will vary — and may come with a side
dish of love, power struggles or unresolved
issues.
Gaslighting in your family can be disguised with
loving and caring messages that seem to
demonstrate warmth and interest. Your aunt may
ask: “Did you find that special someone yet? You
know, you could talk to a professional about how
to date,” leaving you feeling insecure and
second guessing yourself.
Gaslighting can also be overtly aggressive and
intimidating. For instance, your dad may say:
“Stop pretending you don’t know what a
disaster your life choices have been. How many
times do you need to be reminded of all the
mistakes you’ve made?”
What triggers gaslighting?
Before letting this psychological manipulation
turn a festive dinner into a battlefield of
emotions, stop to consider the possible triggers
that might bring out the gaslighting within your
family.
In families, there are often years — if not
decades — of context constantly informing
interpersonal dynamics, and specific situations
expose gaslighting behaviors more than others.
Disagreements tend to bring out a gaslighter’s
certainty and need for superiority. They will
insist that their reality is the way the world
works, the way people should behave and the way
you should think and feel.
Disappointments may also lead gaslighters to guilt
or shame to control your behavior or choices. They
will deflect responsibility — “If you hadn’t
done X, I wouldn’t have reacted that way” —
and create an emotional imbalance because it is
easier to blame you than to take responsibility
for their own actions.
In families with established hierarchies, some
members may resort to gaslighting to regain a
sense of control when they feel anxious or
threatened.
Cultural factors such as loyalty to family can
surface these behaviors, too. A gaslighter may
resort to manipulation to enforce familial
expectations.
While you cannot control how others show up for
the holidays, you can control your response to
them. Take stock of the context and factors before
rushing to reply in contentious conversations with
a gaslighter. Be present, listen and extend
grace, but also give yourself permission to pivot
conversations as needed. In doing so, you can
better center curiosity and compassion — for
yourself and other witnesses — in how you choose
to respond or not respond.
How to counteract gaslighting
Here are some suggestions that have helped our
patients.
Be proactive
Think about the cast of characters before you
attend a gathering. Identify possible triggering
interactions or topics of conversation, and limit
your contact with those who may foster negative
interactions.
Think ahead about who you want to spend time with.
You don’t have to interact with those who
activate you. A simple, “great to see you”
might be enough.
Identify your go-to strategies. Meditate on your
best self as you picture how you’ll manage
difficult moments. Remember, you can always opt
out of the gaslighting or a combative
conversation.
Accept that you may need to get comfortable with
being uncomfortable. Some interactions may leave
you feeling unmoored and destabilized for the
moment — or more.
Modify in the moment
In the moment, call up your best self and a touch
more grace and understanding.
If things get hot or overly emotional, shift the
conversation to more neutral territory.
If someone activates a guilt complex in you,
remind yourself that their behavior is their
problem, not yours.
Remember it’s okay to end the conversation
altogether, pivot to a separate conversation or
walk away if it is heading into a gaslighting
vortex.
What if you feel you can’t opt out, lean in and
attempt to lead the conversation? Be curious about
your could-be gaslighter. Reflect and learn
Afterward, take some time to reflect on how the
day went. The former patient who had asked how to
enjoy the holidays with their family in the face
of gaslighting found that planning contributed to
a better experience than they expected.
If certain strategies or tactics proved
particularly helpful for you, then these insights
can serve as valuable lessons to apply in future
family interactions.
Gaslighting can overshadow the warmth and joy of
family get-togethers, but with awareness and
effort, we can nurture healthy interactions and
opt out of unhealthy ones. We can approach this
holiday season with gratitude for the opportunity
to invest in and nourish relationships.
Robin Stern, PhD, is the co-founder and senior
adviser to the director of the Yale Center for
Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private
practice, the author of “The Gaslight Effect”
and the host of “The Gaslight Effect” podcast.
Marc Brackett, PhD, is the founding director of
the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a
professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead
developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to
social and emotional learning, and the author of
“Permission to Feel.”
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Will you use these gaslighting coping strategies
and find joy in holiday gatherings?
Hadley Finch
And claim a gift audiobook with my favorite
radio interviews with love experts at this link:
https://happysexyloveinromanticrelationships.com
