What causes the rush of good feelings in the attraction phase of romantic love? Psychopharmacologists who study the chemistry of love claim that new lovers are high on nature’s drugs. I call them “Cupid’s Cocktails,” the body’s natural hormones, neurotransmitters and narcotics that create the rosy outlook, rapid pulse, increased energy and a feeling of oneness that makes you want to be together every minute of the day.
What causes the release of these potent brain chemicals?
Scientists can’t explain it; they only can document that love is an intense physical experience with measurable biological components. To gain insight, renowned love expert, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. recommends that we look to psychology and to the view that romantic love is a creation of the unconscious mind. (Getting The Love You Want, p. 49)
Dr. Hendrix asserts that the reason you have great feelings at the start of a relationship is because the unconscious part of the brain believes you finally have been given the chance to be nurtured and to regain your original wholeness.
Where’s the evidence this happens?
It’s in the universal language of lovers. Dr. Hendrix claims that the words exchanged between lovers since time began can be reduced to the four sentences. It doesn’t matter if you actually say these sentences or simply experience the feelings behind them. Dr. Hendrix says these four sentences offer a glimpse into the unconscious realm of romantic love:
1. “I know we just met, but somehow I feel I already know you.”
For some unknown reason, these lovers feel at ease with each other. They feel a comfortable resonance, which Dr. Hendrix calls the phenomenon of recognition.
He claims you choose a lover who resembles an early caregiver, to give you a deja vu feeling of familiarity. Only this time they give you the nurturing you wanted as a child. They may throw salt on early wounds so you can heal them as an adult.
2. “It’s peculiar, but even though we just met, I can’t remember when I didn’t know you.”
New couples may feel they’ve always been together; their relationship has no temporal boundaries. Dr. Hendrix calls this the phenomenon of timelessness.
He says your old brain fuses the image of a childhood caregiver with your lover, so you enter the realm of the eternal now. Lying in the arms of your lover is very much like being an infant in the arms of your mother. There is the same illusion of safety and total absorption. They may add to the illusion they are each others’ surrogate parents by saying, “I’m going to love you the way no one’s loved you before.” The old brain revels in this regressive behavior.
3. “When I’m with you, I no longer feel alone. I feel whole, complete.”
Being together seems to put an end to a relentless search for completion, so you feel fulfilled, filled up. Dr. Hendrix calls this the phenomenon of reunification.
This feeling of wholeness arises after you unwittingly chose a lover who manifests the very part of your being that was cut off in childhood, that you have rediscovered your lost self. If you were not allowed to be at ease with your sexuality, you choose someone who is sexually at ease and free. When people with complementary traits fall in love, you feel as if you’re released from repression.
4. “I love you so much, I can’t live without you.”
Lovers utter this final declaration of love after your lives have become so entwined that you can’t imagine a separate existence. Dr. Hendrix calls this the phenomenon of necessity.
The feeling you will die if you part from your lover documents the fact that you unknowingly transfer the responsibility for your very survival from your parents to your partners. The marvelous being who awakened eros, your passionate life force, now protects you from thanous, the ever-present fear of death. By attending to your unmet childhood needs, you and your partner become allies in the struggle for survival.
What if you lose your beloved partner?
You lose your rediscovered sense of wholeness. You return to your fractured self, so loneliness and anxiety well up inside you. To lose each other is to lose your new sense of self.
How do you use this news?
Before you commit to a beloved partner, see if you’ve said these four sentences or experienced the feelings behind them. If you have, understand that you’ve come together to fulfill unmet childhood needs as adults. Cherish this responsibility as you cherish each other.
If you’re suffering the pain of a breakup or death of a partner, now you may understand that you also are grieving the loss of the whole sense of self you rediscovered with your partner. I help you heal grief regain feelings of wholeness in the time it takes you to read my new book, 911 Breakup Survival-The Fastest, Surest Remedies To Heal Heartbreak and Get All The Love and Happiness You Deserve Now.
And if you’re dating to find love, I give you dating advice like this and love secrets of happy couples in TribeOfSingles.com Guided Love Quest-Dream Travel Vacations. Take a FREE look around as my guest.
Get the great love and happiness you deserve,
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