Dating Question: I have been seeing a man once a month for over a year while he is in the midst of a divorce battle. He and his soon-to-be ex wife had only been married a year when they split, and he says there’s no love lost there.
Our monthly meetings feel like a safe haven where we enjoy a bottle of wine over a meal, friendly conversation and fabulous physical intimacy for dessert. Then we don’t have any contact until he emails me to set up our next monthly rendezvous at his place or mine.
He says he’s not seeing anyone else and he signs his emails with “Love”. Yet we never speak of feelings or future possibilities for a relationship in the lusty hours we are together each month. We do have similar values and life experiences and I enjoy our brief encounters. With our infrequent contact, I don’t feel emotionally close so I am unsure of what I want or what we have. How do you know if it’s lust or love?
Dating Answer: You seem to be wondering if there is a purpose in your mutual pleasure in being together. Here is my litmus test for love or lust. How long are you willing to tread water in a sea of pleasure? How long will you avoid bringing up topics the help you determine if you are a compatible love match long term? After his divorce is final?
You seem to be satisfied with a friends-with-benefits connection that is fueled by fondness and feelings of lust. If you want love to grow and bloom, you may have to see it with new eyes.
Love is far more than a feeling. It’s a loving attitude and an enthusiastic action plan to show your love and grow in love with your intimate partner. It is freeing your heart and letting yourself know and be known. You can do this by revving up your awareness of the purpose of dating.
If you’re satisfied with casual dating, then you’re getting what you expect and desire in your current romantic connection.
If you want love to grow and bloom, here are 13 questions to help you choose a compatible love match and create a happy relationship:
Do you see and bring out the best in each other?
Do you celebrate each others successes?
Do you accept each other for who you are?
Do you listen without judgment?
Do you know each others families and friends?
Do you keep promises to each other?
Do you keep no secrets and tell the truth tenderly?
Are you kind and considerate in all of your interactions?
Do you believe in each other?
Are you using joyful surprises to keep your relationship fresh?
Do you do little things to ease the burdens and lift spirits?
Do you share laughter and kiss away tears?
Do you trust that you will be there for each other no matter what?
When you start dating with these questions in mind, you will choose a love match who values the qualities that create a happy relationship with genuine love.
Do you have any other litmus tests for love you’d like to share? Leave your comments here.
Dedicated to your dating and relationship happiness,