Dating Question: I’ve always kept my feelings to myself in a relationship. My last relationship was opposite. We talked about everything and after 9 months she left me with no explanation. She simply said she couldn’t be in a relationship and she wished there was more to say. I’m hurt very bad. Should I try and get her back?
Dating Answer: Breakup pain can be devastating, especially for the partner who was left behind. It’s natural to think that your path out of pain is to try and get your girlfriend back. Before you attempt this, I’d like you to discover a deeper purpose in breakup pain. You will learn that it hurts less when you focus more on what you’ve gained in your past relationship than on what you’ve lost in the breakup.
What did you gain?
For the first time, you were able to freely express your thoughts and feelings about everything with this woman. She may have inspired you to open your heart and let yourself know and be known, yet you took the emotional risk to reveal yourself. In doing so, you’ve broken through a big barrier to love. Now you know you can express yourself in a new relationship and enrich your interactions with people you care about most. Take a moment to focus on how much you’ve grown through your interactions. This will distract your focus away from the pain of lost love.
How else do you ease your breakup pain?
Understand that our relationships are the classroom in which we learn love lessons. Here is one to explore. You’ve said that your girlfriend left you with no explanation. Does this remind you of how you didn’t share your own thoughts and feelings in previous relationships? Now you know how it feels to be shut out of someone’s thoughts and feelings, and it’s not fun. Fortunately, you’re emotionally free enough to tell a future partner what’s on your mind and in your heart. Once you learn this love lesson, you don’t have to repeat it.
What other love lessons can you learn from your breakup?
You didn’t tell me the tone of conversations you’d had with your former girlfriend. When you talked about everything with her, it’s important to be aware of whether your conversations were producing the reactions you wanted in yourself in your partner. For example:
Did you speak with kind-hearted honesty that considers her feelings, instead of cold-hearted honesty that only considers yours?
Did you discuss solutions and love lessons you’ve learned from your past, instead of complaining about old disappointments, dashed dreams and unresolved issues?
While it’s important to release bottled-up negativity before it harms your health, doing this repeatedly with your partner can harm your relationship. Venting negativity can make a positive partner run for cover.
What is a healthier communication choice?
Put your disappointments in a journal for your eyes only. When you put down your pen and close your journal, you leave disappointments and negative baggage in there so you are free to create positive new experiences with your partner.
I’m not suggesting that you avoid discussing serious issues with your partner. I’m encouraging you to discuss love lessons you’ve learned from past experiences instead of complaining about unresolved issues and pain. Focusing on solutions and growth is how you keep your relationship on track for greater intimacy, fun and lasting love.
What if you were sharing insights and solutions with your girlfriend, yet she still left you?
She has her own love lessons to learn from your relationship, and some of her lessons may have nothing to do with you. The reasons why she can’t be in a relationship now are her issues to explore. Whenever she resolves them, the timing might be right for you to reunite. If that’s something you desire, then let her know that. How?
Either by phone or when you see her again, you might tell her, “Sorry things didn’t work out between us. When you’re emotionally available and interested in a relationship some day, let me know. If I’m still available, the timing could be right for a fresh look at the possibilities.”
In the meantime, continue to be thankful for the love you shared and the love lessons you learned. Focusing on gratitude and love attract love like a love magnet. So get out there and look for a more compatible love match who’s excited to create a great relationship with you.
And I will guide your love quest in the dating site I created for resilient optimists who believe in Great Love. You’ll meet great singles like you, if you’re financially responsible, emotionally available with a healthy libido, solid values and a good sense of fun that holds couples together in tough times. I invite you to meet your Great Love at https://www.TribeOfSingles.com
Get the red-hot love life you deserve,