Denying Sex Breaks Marriage Vows?

When divorcing individuals seek my help in starting a new life, I hear a common complaint that led to divorce court: “We had a great sex life before children. Then he/she said that marriage is for companionship, not sex. After X years without having sex, I had an affair. When my wife/husband found out, they divorced me.”

In the denying sex and resulting infidelity scenario, who broke the marriage vows?

Both partners broke their marriage vows to love, honor and cherish their spouse in a committed relationship (by foresaking all others).

A vital expression of these vows is committing to sexual healing with your spouse. How do you achieve sexual healing?

It’s not like the Marvin Gaye song, Sexual Healing, where you enjoy one night of great sex. You and your spouse will commit to sustaining an active sex life in a committed relationship by having sex leading to orgasm 2-3 times each week for as long as you want your marriage and health to last.

That’s not an exaggeration. Studies prove that happy couples with an active sex life actually live longer and stay healthier than unhappy couples or single folks who abstain from sex.

Sexual abstinence is proven in studies to harm health and limit longevity, as I’ve reported in articles and radio interviews since 2008.

In my recent radio interview with Rebecca Burdette, M.D., she described health benefits in following the 36 Hour Rule. When couples have sex every 36 hours or less, they sustain a steady flow of happy hormones that the body produces for 36 hours after having sex, including serotonin, oxytocin and other neurotransmitters.

Having frequent sex in a committed relationship also lowers blood pressure, improves circulation, lowers the risk of heart attack and stroke in men, protects bones against osteoporosis and burns calories.

Emotionally after having sex leading to orgasm, couples talk nicer to each other and help each other more. They say more positive things about their partner to other people.

What about spouses who’ve lost that loving feeling or have low libido or no sexual desire?

As an OB/GYN, Dr. Burdette said many women tell her that they aren’t convinced having sex is important. “I think it’s to their detriment,” says Dr. Burdette. She advises couples to seek medical help to balance hormones and increase desire.

Couples may have other issues that won’t get solved simply by having more sex. But initiating sex more often is complementary with trying to figure out how to communicate better, how to support each other around the home, how to negotiate conflicts. etc.

Relationship studies also reveal that continuing to see all the positives in your partner sustains feelings of love and romance for a lifetime. It’s called maintaining “Positive Illusions.” You may still see your partner as you did when you first met, even though they may have turned into a couch potato through the years. Why is that important?

What you focus on expands. Staying focused on positives promotes more positive experiences and emotions. So does cultivating sexual healing in a committed relationship.

Religious dogma is outdated and even dangerous when it claims sex is for procreation. Maintaining a healthy, active sex life is vital to the survival of your marriage and each spouse.

You’ve discovered many proven health and longevity benefits of having an active sex life for as long as you want your relationship and your health to last. Sustaining these goals is how you honor your vows to love, honor and cherish your spouse for a lifetime.

Failing to do this has killed marriages. If your marriage was a victim, what will you do to prevent this in a future relationship and —

Get all the happy, sexy love you deserve,

Hadley Finch