You discovered how a verbally-abused husband began communicating in healthy ways with his critical wife in Part 1. Now, find out how magical messages written by someone else will repair your relationship issues in a flash in Part 2 highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Nancy Dreyfus.
Nancy is veteran couples therapist and author of the book and love tool, Talk To Me Like I’m Someone You Love — Flashcards that repair relationships in a flash.
Hadley: Your love flashcards remind me of Cyrano De Bergerac, who wrote letters to help other people find love. When someone else is giving you magic messages in flashcards, how can you be sincere, thoughtful and speak from your heart when you show your partner flashcards that someone else wrote?
Nancy: I only want you to hold up a flashcard message that feels real to you. It doesn’t matter what the content of an argument is, whether it’s how much sex you’re having or where you’re going for Thanksgiving.
Underneath all arguments, people want to be heard, seen and felt. The magic of the flashcards is moving from the content of the argument to what the argument is always about, “How are we treating each other?”
Here are examples in my flashcards:
I can absolutely see why you’re annoyed with me, but can you give me a sign we’re still friends?
I’ve been so focused on being heard that I didn’t see how much sense you were making;
I know I was off, but I sense you’d rather clobber me than get close again.
Hadley: Tell us how you created flashcard messages based on examples from people you’ve counseled.
Nancy: I started creating cards that I made at Kinkos by giving a dozen women in my practice a flashcard with this message to show their partner. “I do not feel heard.”
These women all came back to me two weeks later, saying their marriage never felt better.
Hadley: So that flash card message addressed a common complaint for men and women who feel unheard and overlooked by a partner. How do you use flashcard messages in your real-life love story?
Nancy: As a therapist, I often sound like one. I addressed this in a flashcard that says,
“Right now I don’t need a lecture, I need your love.”
My partner crossed out the word, “Lecture,” and wrote “Therapist”. We have it framed over the bed, so we can just do the point and click.
Hadley: People rarely want a lecture. They want to be heard and understood, mirrored and echoed by a partner.
Let’s say you feel an argument heating up with your partner. Do you really expect people to go find your flashcards, sort through them and find the perfect one the perfect message to diffuse the heat?
Get the answer in Part 3 highlights of my radio conversation for A Lasting Love with Nancy Dreyfus.
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