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What Single Men Want – Women's Money?

In a recent survey of 17,000 heterosexual, unmarried men and women, 64% of single men believed women should contribute to dating expenses.

57% of women said they offer to pay but 39% admitted they hoped the man wouldn’t accept.
76% of men felt guilty about accepting a woman’s money.
44% of men said they’d stop dating a woman who never pays.
Only 25% of men paid dating expenses after 6 months in a new relationship

Who were the single men in the survey? Were they:

Looking for a job or getting out of debt?
Starting out in a career?
Seeking a woman to support them?
Testing if a woman wants him for his money?

The survey summary didn’t say.

However, David Frederickson, the survey co-author said,

“We know that in eight out of ten marriages, both partners contribute towards the household living expenses. But how soon do these ideas of financial equality enter a fledgling relationship?

Who pays for dates is one of those unwritten social rules that is still in flux.

The reason men feel guilty about letting women chip in for the date is because they’ve been taught they should pay. However men have also been taught that men and women should have egalitarian partnerships, so costs should be shared.”

When should the sharing of expenses begin? Is there a downside of going Dutch on dates?

When a man asks a woman to pay her own way on a date, he’s overlooking the deeper power and purpose of dating. A man is wired to pursue and win the heart of a woman, and then protect and provide for her and their family, if they have children. (Man is not wired for monogamy, and never was, because millions of years of human evolution have wired man for sexual variety. Sex At Dawn by Dr. Christopher Ryan. )

What happens if modern man wants to reverse roles and let the woman court him?

It is happening. Dozens of single, divorced or widowed men have told me they want a woman to pursue him, invite him on dates and pay the tab, cook for him, send him flowers, treat him to a European vacation, or be his designated driver on date night.

When a woman does the courting of her date, a man’s ego gets stroked. What does she get?

She may get a man who doesn’t value her enough to court her and cherish her in a relationship. Those love skills are developed in the dating phase.

Today’s women may not need a man’s money for survival, especially professional women, doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs who earn as much or more than the men they date or marry.

Financially independent women can afford to contribute to dating expenses and even bankroll their relationships, but should they?

Should dating ever be about money?

Money might be an issue for a single man or woman, if you’re struggling financially and seeking a match to share this burden in a relationship.

It might not be an issue, if you and your love match are each starting out, entering a relationship with only your earnings potential, education loans and no trust funds.

Money is an issue, if your financial means is much greater than the people you date, and if you want to avoid the gold-rush girls or guys who’ll be more in love with your bank account and lifestyle than with you.

How do you sort through them?

Before things get serious, let a potential partner know that a pre-nup would be required before you’d ever agree to marry or even live together.

Before you get serious, you may be asked to lend money, pay off debts, finance a business venture. Your reply? You simply say, “I’m not your banker.”

A gold-rush guy or girl may not give up on the first try. They may present other opportunities for you to help them financially. If you’re consistent and firm in refusing to be their banker during the dating phase, then the gold diggers may move on to find an easier source of support.

No one wants to be loved for your money, regardless of gender.

Once you determine that a potential relationship is not being formed only for financial gain, what’s the next step?
You can decide if or when you want to form an egalitarian relationship, in which both partners contribute financially.

When do dating couples start that process?

According to the match.com survey of singles about money, it depends on age.

“It seems that for younger men at least, the current compromise is for them to pay for dates at the start. This makes them feel manly (and demonstrates they’re not tight). But, later on, women are expected to chip in to help reach the egalitarian ideal. David Frederick calls this ‘tapered chivalry’.

The research suggested 25% of couples were splitting dating costs within the first month or their relationship, 25% did so in months 1-3, another 25% in months 4-6, and the remaining quarter of men were still paying all the dating expenses after 6 months.”

What if you don’t want to share dating expenses or living expenses? What if you want to wait until you and your love match are preparing for marriage to decide how each of you will contribute to your relationship?

Whatever you want, simply make your wishes known to your love match. Have the conversation.

Talk about all the ways you’ll each contribute to each others success and happiness, in money matters and beyond.

Define your daily, weekly or monthly contributions in home care, food prep, bill payment, sexual fulfillment, spiritual fulfillment, entertaining, staying fit and healthy, resolving conflicts and raising children, if you have them.

Make a list of contributions you each intend to make at the start of a marriage or committed relationship. Check this list once a month to make sure you’re each living up to your promises, and talk about ways you each could improve or change the list of expectations to fit how your work and home demands unfold.

How do you resolve the courting issue?

Remember, courting changes after commitment. Once you’re in a marriage or committed relationship, each partner courts your mate, if you want to sustain romantic fun and provide fresh, exciting reasons to love each other more each day.

Get all the love and happiness you deserve,

Hadley Finch

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About Hadley Finch

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