13 Questions Leading to Love

• Jan. 9, 2015
• In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To
  Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers
  to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and
  others) that explores whether intimacy between two
  strangers can be accelerated by having them ask
  each other a specific series of personal questions.
  The 36 questions in the study are broken up into
  three sets, with each set intended to be more
  probing than the previous one.

  The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters
  closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One
  key pattern associated with the development of a
  close relationship among peers is sustained,
  escalating, reciprocal, personal
  self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be
  vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly
  difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

  The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try —
  staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes
  — is less well documented, with the suggested
  duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms.
  Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation.
  “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,”
  she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

  Set I

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom
  would you want as a dinner guest?

  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever
  rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for
  you?

  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone
  else?

  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and
  retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for
  the last 60 years of your life, which would you
  want?

  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will
  die?

  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to
  have in common.

  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

  10. If you could change anything about the way you
  were raised, what would it be?

  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your
  life story in as much detail as possible.

  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any
  one quality or ability, what would it be?

  Set II

  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth
  about yourself, your life, the future or anything
  else, what would you want to know?

  14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of
  doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your
  life?

  16. What do you value most in a friendship?

  17. What is your most treasured memory?

  18. What is your most terrible memory?

  19. If you knew that in one year you would die
  suddenly, would you change anything about the way
  you are now living? Why?

  20. What does friendship mean to you?

  21. What roles do love and affection play in your
  life?

  22. Alternate sharing something you consider a
  positive characteristic of your partner. Share a
  total of five items.

  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel
  your childhood was happier than most other
  people’s?

  24. How do you feel about your relationship with
  your mother?

  Set III

  25. Make three true “we” statements each. For
  instance, “We are both in this room feeling …
  “

  26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone
  with whom I could share … “

  27. If you were going to become a close friend with
  your partner, please share what would be important
  for him or her to know.

  28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be
  very honest this time, saying things that you might
  not say to someone you’ve just met.

  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment
  in your life.

  30. When did you last cry in front of another
  person? By yourself?

  31. Tell your partner something that you like about
  them already.

  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked
  about?

  33. If you were to die this evening with no
  opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would
  you most regret not having told someone? Why
  haven’t you told them yet?

  34. Your house, containing everything you own,
  catches fire. After saving your loved ones and
  pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to
  save any one item. What would it be? Why?

  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death
  would you find most disturbing? Why?

  36. Share a personal problem and ask your
  partner’s advice on how he or she might handle
  it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you
  how you seem to be feeling about the problem you
  have chosen.

  Enrich your conversations to create happy, sexy love that lasts,

Hadley Finch