Dating Question: I took a wonderful divorced woman out for a few dinner dates, and she showed her thanks by preparing a home-cooked meal at her place. Being a generous guy, I brought two bottles of ’05 Bordeaux and we drank both of them. Our amorous buzz lead us into her bedroom for a lusty desert.
Before I left that night, she said she felt at home with me. That would be a good thing, if I were ready for another relationship. But I’m not.
So I called her to say I wanted to be upfront. Said our sex was wine induced and I regretted getting involved so fast. Since she’d been divorced six years longer than me, I said I guessed she was ready for a real relationship. But I only wanted to have some adolescent fun that I missed by marrying so young. Then I asked to cancel our Saturday night date and promised to call her in a month.
What was her thanks for my honesty?
She said she wouldn’t date a guy who was so full of himself, so there was no reason to call her again. If honesty is a good thing, why did it cause a break up?
Dating Answer: You could use some coaching on how to treat a woman after you become lovers. If you really want to be upfront, you have your dating goals discussion before you head into the bedroom.
You may have thought your new lover would appreciate your honesty. Because it was based only on your needs and your truth without considering how it would affect her, your honest was cold-hearted and selfish.
This honesty hurts. It shuts the door on a truthful, compassionate sharing of her feelings. In self defense, any self-loving person either would not see you again, or they would ask you to improve your communication skills before you make another date with them.
What is the best kind of honest communication in your love life?
Ideally, you want to give and receive kind-hearted honesty. To experience it, you first become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and desires of what you want from another person, based on your current circumstances.
Then you imagine what that person is thinking, feeling and wanting from you.
What are the obstacles to getting what you want from each other?
How could you find a win-win solution to overcome these obstacles?
With these insights in mind, you now are ready to speak from your heart, which is tender and kind–never cold, selfish or cruel.
You might ask thoughtful questions to find out what the other person is actually feeling or wanting to give or receive in your interactions.
You can compare your views with theirs to see if you can co-create a win-win outcome. If you can, then you can take a positive step forward.
If your current dating desires conflict, then you may not be a good fit as a couple, at least until you want the same things in a relationship.
What If you got the chance for Take Two with this wonderful woman? How could you redo your post-coital conversation with kind-hearted honesty?
You could thank her for a wonderful dinner and for such a romantic desert.
Mention something positive about the physical intimacy you shared.
Ask her feelings about what happened and find out if she wants to see you again–instead of breaking your next date because you assumed she wanted a relationship with you.
How do you avoid hurt feelings in dating?
It’s better to ask questions than to make assumptions about your date. It’s best to be upfront about your desire for casual sex on an early date, so that you hook up with a date who shares your goals.
What if you meet someone you don’t want to lose?
You might avoid the complications of having sex before you build an emotional bond if you only bring one bottle of wine along with your kind-hearted honesty the next time you’re invited for a home-cooked meal.
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