Every time I hear a remarried person make one comment in public, I cringe at their lack of sensitivity. When a self-help guru made the same thoughtless comment, it occurred to me that even the otherwise enlightened could use some guidance in divorce etiquette.
What is the most thoughtless thing a divorced person can say publicly after you marry again?
How you’ve never been so in love before nor had a more fulfilling relationship than you now have with your new spouse.
This is a slap in the face to your former spouse. It’s especially hurtful when you say this in front of your children, because it demeans the love you’d once vowed to cherish with their other parent. And it makes you seem even more insensitive for not understanding this.
A self-help guru clearly didn’t understand this, as evidenced by a recent email he sent to his community and clients. In the offending email, he was pictured with his former wife and ongoing business partner in a sales promotion for their upcoming workshop when he wrote these comments about his new wife:
“To me she was the most beautiful woman I had ever known… today this angelic woman is my wife and the mother of our beautiful daughter. I have never felt more loved, never had a more fulfilling relationship, never felt so completely blessed.”
What message was he sending?
saying that his first wife didn’t make him feel loved?
admitting that he couldn’t fulfill her needs and vice versa?
suggesting that he failed as a husband before, but he’s more hopeful this time around?
being so self absorbed in how his new wife makes him feel that the feelings of his former wife weren’t a blip on his radar screen?
overlooking how his insensitivity might be a turn off for his readers?
Who would find this behavior attractive or admirable?
No one who’s tuned into how your words and actions impact others. This self-help guru may not have intended to hurt his former spouse by publicly raving about the wonders of his new spouse in front of his ex, but how could it not?
How many times have you seen celebrities, politicians or any remarried person reveal their insensitivity to the feelings of a former mate like this?
Let’s consider other choices and their implications. If you introduce your new spouse:
as the next great love of your lifetime, then you sound like a serial monogamist who dives in before you’ve learned how to swim;
as the final love of your lifetime, then you sound more optimistic–even though your marital track record indicates that you lack the imagination and love skills needed to keep a marriage fresh and exciting for a lifetime. The only thing working in your favor in this scenario is that your lifetime is getting shorter.
What is the best way to publicly honor the feelings of your past and current spouse?
By keeping private your feelings or fantasies of undying love between you and your new spouse. You won’t look like an insensitive fool for love when you use this smart love tip to honor the feelings of each spouse you’ve ever loved.
And you’ll get smart love tips for happy relationships in hundreds of articles, in my radio show and in my novel with songs, TRIBE OF BLONDES, all available right here in my blog.
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Love deeply and live your dreams now,