Dating Question. I’m a divorced man in my 50s with my youngest child away in college, so I’ve got time to date again. This month, I had two great dates with a wonderful woman I met online. When I asked her out for a third date on Friday, she said she already had a date and suggested a Saturday night date instead. I said, “How could I ever trust you after this? I want a loyal partner, so I won’t waste my time dating a woman I can’t trust.”
She said I didn’t understand healthy dating habits. She wants a loyal life partner, but she won’t become exclusive until she sees if we’re compatible long term. She asked me to call her again after I got a dating coach, so I wrote you. Am I right to rule out a two-timing woman after a second date?
Answer. You’re right to get dating advice before you rule out a compatible match. A woman can’t two-time you after two dates unless you make faulty dating assumptions, like you’ve done here. The antidote?
Never assume anything in your dating life. Always ask the questions and deal with the answers. Do not assume you are dating someone exclusively, until you have that conversation with them. The first few dates are a perfect time to ask about goals and rule out prospects who want different things from dating.
The smartest dating strategy is to meet several matches simultaneously, without getting sexually involved with any of them during the sorting process. Why?
Seeing only one person at a time gives all your focus to someone who may not deserve it, but you may not see this quickly. Seeing several people simultaneously reveals by comparison how you feel about their different views, goals, qualities, quirks, so you quickly figure out where your heart feels most at home.
Having sex too soon can cause you to bond to the wrong person, because sexual activity releases Cupid’s Cocktails in your brain, clouds your thinking and makes you the dupe of dopamine. The bonding hormone, oxcytocin, which also surges during sex, creates a strong biological bond to an unsuitable match — if you have no shared interests or values outside of the bedroom.
It’s wise to see if you two could be best friends and the best cheerleaders for each other in life and love, before you become lovers. This is easier to do when you get to know several people at once, stop seeing mismatches, and start enjoying more and more time with the one who wants build an exclusive relationship with you. Let me know if you rule out that ‘wonderful woman’ or invite her to see you again.
Remember, the great love you’re seeking is seeking you. How do you find each other?
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