Dating Question: My best guy-friend has rented my spare room for over a year. Six months ago, we made the leap into best friends with benefits. A couple nights each week, we have a bottle of wine with dinner followed by great sex for desert. Afterwords he helps with the dishes. I’m connected emotionally and eager to commit to a serious relationship with him.
He often says I’m the best friend a guy could ever want. I don’t think he’s dating anyone else, because he’s always here when he’s not at work. How do I bring up a relationship without ruining our close friendship?
Dating Answer: Some of the best relationships develop when friendship catches fire. You clearly sparked up your close friendship by adding sex to the mix. Yet I’m concerned that he’s still calling you his “best friend” after you’ve been having sex twice a week for half a year.
How do you find out if you’re in the “friends forever” mode? Or if your sex buddy just might see you as his future wife?
You spark some more heat in your connection by telling him what you’re looking for and by watching his reaction.
Ideally you’d have this conversation before you got physically involved with a man, to avoid bonding with a man who either doesn’t want a committed relationship, or he doesn’t see you as marriage material or he doesn’t feel or foresee the deep emotional connection he desires with a future wife. You’re not the only single person who put the cart before the horse and got stuck because of it.
How do you get unstuck?
Be true to you and your best interests. You can tell him what you want without demanding that he deliver it if he wants to continue your friendship. If he doesn’t want a committed relationship with you, then it’s your decision whether to continue or change your friends with benefits relationship. You may lose a tenant or a friend, but it’s more important to be your own best friend.
Are you searching for the best words to say when you bring this up?
If so, I’ll offer a suggested scenario.
The next time you have dinner and you sense he’s revving up for a desert of romance, you’ve got his undivided attention. You might say that you really enjoy your sexual connection. Since sex is very important to you, then you don’t want to bond emotionally with a man who sees you as a friend. Say that a friendship with sex is not your idea of a fulfilling relationship. You don’t want to pressure him into a serious relationship, but you’d feel better emotionally if you waited to have sex with him again until he has a chance to find out what he wants from you.
This way, you avoid giving an ultimatum. You exhibit healthy self confidence and self love. And you give him time to express or find out what he feels about you. As you focus on his response, see if it makes you feel comfortable and content or not. Either way, your best choice supports your well being. That’s the best path to take at any relationship crossroads.
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Dedicated to our dating and relationship happiness,